sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
