someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
