Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
