If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
