We won't sleep together?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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