Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
