I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
