you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
