i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
