so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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