My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
