Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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