please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
