I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
