The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
