she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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