I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize