Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
