I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
