i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
