connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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