I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
