i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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