I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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