that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
