That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
