god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
