I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
