If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If I die, sorry about rent.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
