well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
