not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
