U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
