I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
