Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
