You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
