Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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