Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I won't apologize to a one balled man
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
