i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She even gives head with a lisp.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
