end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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