once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just found a bag of teeth...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
