Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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