My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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