My first STD was from a foam party
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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