Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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