im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
