Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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