I was born with a shot glass in my hand
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
