booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
