I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize