im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Randomize
