awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
