i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
