At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
