yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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