Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
