I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You left your phone here
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