I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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