I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
one might say we're banned from that church
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Dicks are not precious.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
