i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
