all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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