Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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