I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
